July 13, 2018 – 5:23 p.m.
A Rainy Day, A Rainy Week
Its me again, the old me I guess you could say. It took me a long time to post Moving Forward, but I didn’t know that just a couple of days after sharing my entire story about how I was moving on – I’d basically relapse.
I had to go see my doctor on Tuesday, and I just knew that I would need to be completely honest with her about everything (not that I haven’t been, but about all the time between our last visit.) I get in a mood every time I have to go see her because I go into a depression for a few days following. Every. Single. Time. It’s because every time i go we seem to unravel yet another problem or decide to start me on another medication.
I wasn’t wrong this time. I haven’t been yet. When she walked in she told me how good I look and asked how the last few months have been. I immediately began bawling. The thing I love most about my doctor is that she has always treated me very motherly. She immediately took me in her arms and allowed me to cry before resuming to try and understand what had been going on. I told her I had had several episodes and was threatened several times to be sent to the pavilion. She immediately knew that we had not be treating my depression as aggressively as we should have been because our main focus has always been my anxiety. That’s why I went in the first place, because they thought I had lymphoma. Boy, have i been tested continuously lol. We also decided that if I did not start sleeping better, longer, and more effectively during the night then I would have to go spend the night in the lab so they could do a study.
Talk about a slap in the face… I thought I was doing so good. Better.
I have been feeling like a hypocrite the last few days because I’ve been so down just after posting my last article. I HATE starting new medications because I am drugged and walk around like a zombie until my body gets used to it. Im scared everytime because I never know how I will react to it.
Starting this new medicine has made me have terrible headaches, im constantly wanting to sleep, im irritable, impatient, and not really myself… but I gotta be strong because this too shall pass. I now take anxiety medicine, two antidepressants, a sleeping aide, and melatonin. (Yet, even when i’m exhausted and want to sleep, I can’t)
life is crazy. The last few days have reminded me that anything can change almost immediately and to be grateful for the little things. As funny as it may seem to some of you, I ordered myself an adult coloring book full of inspirational quotes to help me relax and find comfort and distraction in something besides my own thoughts. I’ve started reading, it helps to escape into another world for a little while. These things are silly, but these things are so small yet so big to me on my road to completely healthy mental thoughts. I’m not going to allow this to take me completely down again. This is all just a minor setback for a major comeback. We have to figure out the right regime for me. I can’t lose hope and continue to tell myself that I am unfixable and nobody can help me. I gotta stay hopeful.
Just be kind to everyone. You never know somebody’s story or what they may be going through. It’s so easy to walk out the door and be a completely different person than who you are behind closed doors when you’re falling apart. We all suffer and have hard times – be kind. be loving. be a true and committed friend to someone because that may be just what they need. You hate to feel alone, so don’t let others be in that dark hole.
Now, go love on somebody.
Heres a challenge: for the next week, try and hug and say a kind word to at least theee people a day!!
It could save someone’s life. You never know.
Things are not always what they seem.
much love to all—- you are loved