Moving Forward

As someone who has always encouraged people to look on the bright side of things, I may have really been trying to talk myself into it.

Mental illness is real. Anxiety is real. Depression is real. Every mental illness, big or small, is REAL.

In the world we live in today, people often think these illnesses aren’t real or that people use it as an excuse or are faking. Some may, but that’s not the case with me. I haven’t really talked much about my story.. and it may come shocking to some and not so much to others. I’m sharing because I feel that it is truly important for people to look into things more deeply than what they seem. A lot of people probably see me as Kenedy Douglas, the cheerleader, the girl who tried out to be a DCC, the one who talks to anybody and everybody, the happy one. Yes, all of those things are true, but do you really know who I am? Or do you only know how I have perceived myself for so many years.

So here goes…

It all started when I was a sophomore in high school. I often found myself feeling so alone and helpless due to there being a lot of problems at home, with friends, family, etc. I felt abandoned and completely alone in this dark cruel world. I prayed because I felt as if God was the only one who truly would never leave me. I prayed that he would send me someone… someone to save me because I was ready to leave. I felt that I did not have a purpose here and that nobody would even notice if I was gone. I liked being alone, but not feeling alone. There’s a difference. I would drive around at night on dirt roads & more times than not I thought about driving as fast as I could into the ditch. I would scrape my legs with thumb tacks. I would pull my own hair and claw myself. Why would I do that is probably what you’re thinking right now. But the truth is, I wanted to feel something. I was so numb and depressed that I simply just wanted to feel something, even if it hurt but felt so good at the same time.

Im not going to lie and say that these things don’t still happen to me, but I am going to say that I am growing. I am strong. I am learning how to live with it. I am choosing to do my best to let it all go.

Fast forward a few months to the answer to my prayers in one word and you all know it: Gus. I was so close to being gone when the weird guy in my BIM class randomly started talking to me, snap chatting me, & walking with me from class to class. I felt that I finally had someone, my saving grace. I’ve always told him that. Without him, I fall off the deep end every time. We broke up for a time, and I hated him. I hated him for disappointing me and not being that saving grace that I needed so desperately. I went to college and I lost it again. I fell into a deep depression and wouldn’t leave my room for days at a time. I would have anxiety attacks and feel like I was being suffocated. My friends and roommates would ask if I was okay and try and get me out but eventually they knew to just give me time. I ditched classes and wouldn’t eat. I just wanted to sleep forever. But  they cared. & Gus still cared because he saved my life again by not giving up on me. Yeah we both made a lot of mistakes and fell short.. but one day when I randomly agreed to have dinner with him, I felt it all over again. I was reassured by God when I just felt at peace when I looked him in the eyes. He was still my saving grace. I never left him behind. People think we are crazy for being together again but they have no idea.. I love him with everything in me. Because without him, I wouldn’t be here anymore. He came into my life just when God had planned, because I was ready to go.

Yes I’ve been to the doctor. Yes I have been diagnosed with a strong general anxiety disorder & depression. Along with a sleeping disorder to top it off. Yes I am on medication, Xanax, Paroxetine, & sleeping pills. And lastly, yes I hate having to take all these pills and wish that I could just be “normal.” We all feel that way.

But, I am normal. I’ve recently come to realize that without all of the struggles and hardships I’ve been through, then I would not be the person that I am today. I have such a huge heart for others and often find myself putting others before myself. I have chosen my career and dream because of all that I have been through. Life is hard, and I’ve finally accepted that. I’m moving forward. I’m closing doors that have caused so much pain and hurt and I am growing from it.

I recently got a tattoo of my face with flowers and the seratonin molecule and a semicolon to represent happy thoughts and mental health awareness. I made the choice that I was going to get it and be stabbed thousands of times with little needles, and then I was never going to hurt myself again. I was never going to cut, claw, or scrape my skin again. I promised myself. Ive also started keeping a gratitude journal to remind myself of all of the good things in my life! To name just a few, I am a Chi  Omega, a full-time student, I have Gus, my family, and friends, I have a job, and a baby puppy!!! I AM BLESSED AND I AM ALIVE!!!

05A71D00-4E57-4241-9A41-D49B98754245

So love on those around you, say “I love you,” and enjoy every moment because you never know what someone is going through behind closed doors. Save someone’s life by simply being kind. I have a mighty and loving God who has never left my side but has comforted me and forgiven me.

I AM LOVED AND SO ARE YOU! Don’t hold it all in like I did. Free yourself and find the things in life that bring you joy even when everything is falling apart around you. It’s okay to be different, we aren’t all the same, and that’s okay.

5 thoughts on “Moving Forward

  1. Not going to lie, I was suprised reading this about you as I imagined you exactly as what you described your “public” self to be. I’m happy that you found your angel, someone who makes you feel loved. Also happy you were courageous enough to share your story to help others, especially the ones who can relate to you. Btw, your tattoo does look like you and I thought that had just been a coincidence, how cool!! Best of wishes. 🙂 – Perla

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Kenedy,

    I love you and thank you so much for sharing! Still remember watching you grow up as a kid at church and God telling me, that little girl right there Fred, will save someone’s life. Little do we know that our story was uniquely given to you by God for a reason! I am so proud of you and the young women you have become! May God continue to use you in mighty ways! God bless!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You’re beautiful inside and out! It takes a strong and secure person to share what you shared. Embrace it – it is your story. Your story will take you places you’ve never dreamed of and can influence people you may never meet. And it’s yours. No one can take that away from you!
    Life is hard and it won’t get any easier! But if you live with the mindset that God has you on earth for a wonderful purpose, all your struggles will not be in vain. God uses these to mold us…though we are hard pressed, we are never crushed! (2 Cor. 4:8) That pressure molds us so that God can gain victory in our lives, and we can share His love and grace with others. Trust him always!
    I love you and I’m blessed to know you!!
    Jennifer

    Liked by 1 person

  4. WOW. it took lots of courage to come out with this. I have known you for a very long time and I had no clue.

    I’ve always seen you and Gus as perfect couple; relationships especially those worth keeping take a lot of work. it is not easy -but it seems to me that you have figured that out. Too often people go through many relationships looking for the perfect one when all they had to do was work at that first one.

    I am very proud of who you have become you are beautiful on the inside and out; I have always thought that

    May God continue to bless you and guide you and keep you on the right path

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Kenedy,
    I enjoyed reading your post! So very impressed with how strong you are and how you are facing your struggles and sharing your story. This will prove to be a great outlet for you as well as hope for someone else that is struggling in life. Never underestimate the importance and value in “you”. I wish you the best as you move forward and work towards your purpose, and yes, we all have a purpose in life!! Live each day being present.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s